This individualistic, intolerant society is cancerous, and the duality of being demonized or objectified as a trans individual is dehumanizing. I’ve encountered one too many opportunistic humans who commodify relationships and bomb me with every sugary lie in their repertoire only to jump onto their next victim’s lap once they get bored and no longer benefit from being in my orbit. Continuously being pursued by bored, confused, and sexually curious women who cheat on their boyfriends or husbands (unbeknownst to me) while keeping me secret from their family and friends has weighed so heavily on my heart and mental health. When they inevitably leave me and run back to their exes, I’m left to wonder what makes me so unlovable and why I’ve attracted numerous lost dark souls. All I’ve ever wanted was a woman to reciprocate love (faithfully) and unapologetically live her truth, but not even my own mother is capable of providing that.

There are only so many times you can be played with and discarded like an old toy when your novelty wears off that you inevitably lose all self-worth and feel insecure, jealous, inferior, and disposable. If my worth as a man is valuable only by having certain genitalia, a particular height, a golden retriever personality, zero emotional intelligence (except when sportsball is involved), no mental health struggles, and a comfortable amount of zeros in my bank account, then there’s truly no winning for someone like me when it’s clear the game will forever only benefit certain privileged players. I used to think that was some neckbeard incel rhetoric, but as I continue to be cheated on and abandoned for cismen that meet the above criteria, I can’t help but start to believe that it has some validity to it.

I’ve put 11+ years into this flesh project and thought I had achieved a (mostly) successful manhood on my arduous journey. As the years drag on, however, and I continue to endure economic instability and relational turmoil, I can no longer see the point in continuing to fight to exist on this inhospitable sphere. The more intolerant and spiteful the world becomes towards me and my community, the more pessimistic and reclusive I become with it. Hell is other people.

I didn’t consent to being sent here to suffer on this hot shitty rock, and I will ensure that my exit will be of my own volition and hopefully very soon. Good night and goth bless.